I love my partner – but my desire for queer intimacy has become all-consuming

I’m a thirtysomething woman who has been with the same man since I was 21. I’ve always known I was queer but was monogamous with him until, during a brief separation, I had my first intimate experiences with cis and trans women. They were ecstatic and affirming in the parts of me that they unlocked, as well as the agency I felt in seeking to fulfil desires I had long consigned to fantasy. I can’t imagine going through life never again experiencing the range of emotion I did in those moments.

My partner and I are now back together and in some ways stronger than ever as a couple – more communicative and committed to the relationship. I’ve told him everything written here and more, including my desire for an open relationship. He has said he needs time: he can imagine one day being OK with us exploring our sexuality together with a third person, but at present he does not want to have sex with anyone else and can’t conceive of what it would be like to know or suspect that I am doing so.

I love my partner, and I like having sex with him. I believe he’s my person, and I want us to stay together. But my desire for queer intimacy has become all-consuming. I think that pressing the conversation now would be selfish and ineffective. At the same time, it feels dishonest to deny (potentially for ever) what I have discovered is an important part of me. What do I do in the short and long term?

You already know the answer: your desires for the heightened eroticism are fully understandable, but as your partner has already stated, this cannot be rushed. You have been clear to him about who you are sexually, which was a big step. Congratulations: it is one that many people shy away from. You also know that acting on your fantasies would be risky, so you have the common dilemma of having to weigh up the benefits of maintaining a relationship you cherish versus upsetting the applecart.

Your tastes are advanced, and in order to accommodate them immediately you would have to find like-minded sexual partners who may not line up with your hopes for an all-round, fulfilling long-term relationship. But your partner has not entirely discounted the possibility of future “exploration” … so you have the option to be patient.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.